A Flith of Octupuses

Stuck in a Cage

Well it’s been a while.  I have struggled with where to start. Or maybe it’s because I had so many emotions that I couldn’t pin down a starting place.  My thoughts started becoming my own worst nightmare and the tornado started to take over. 

I learned that one small change had a huge ripple effect.  And that when the rock is dropped, the power is shifted.  And not always for the better.  For me, I watched my safety and support disappear and a huge range of access of power open up.

During this week, I learned another part about life.   That having power doesn’t always make you good. Like one of “my kids” would say: “there is always a good guy and a bad guy, and the one with the most power wins”. And let me tell you.  He’s right.

So I’m sure by now most of you have put 1 and 1 together and realized that the person who got power is not using it for the good of all that is right.  Instead, its more like being a part of the Mean Girls movie and learning to fly in a small enclosed area.  This shift in power has made it clear who is in control, and they show it to everyone possible.

I knew before that there were restorations due to how power is distributed, but now there is even more. I went from being a bird in a big cage to being a bird in an extremely small cage.  I now have many limitations and barriers to be able to do the things I am there to do.  Things have shifted so that when I go to take off and fly, the end goal is taken away.  It’s been restricted and no longer acceptable. And it is shown to all those around the cage, watching.

It’s now ashaming.  The struggle is all to real.  Now I’m just a bird. In a tiny cage. Being watched to ensure I don’t fall, or fly in any direction.   The light of hope has dimmed and motivation to keep flying is almost gone. But Hopefully, one day I will be able to get out and stretch my wings. Before it’s too late and I forget how to fly.

The Push

The real world is extremely different then what you ever thought it would be.

Everyone is suppose to be an equal, or so your taught. But that’s a lie. 
Everyone is suppose to treat others as they would want to be treats. But that’s a lie. 

Everyone is suppose to work to help each other and create a free world for all. But that’s a lie.

Every day I work to help those who are less fortunate and treated unfairly. I’m so fortunate to work with an amazing team however there is still questions for it all. Such as how come we can’t work more collaboratively to make the change we want?  Or how can we not treat each other with more respect? Aren’t we all here for the same reason? Why can’t we all work together?  It truly isn’t fair. How we all can’t come together to make the change that we all want to make. The change that we want to do together for those we are her to help.

It frustrates me to the max about how we can’t come together and be more united. With such a huge and important common goal that we are working on.

Hoping that one day we will be able to move forward with this front and become one. Creating a world were people are equal and treated as others would like to be treated.  Creating a free world where help is available. 

Hush Hush

It’s funny how family works.  They are suppose to be the ones who love you for who you are. The ones who support you in what you do. The ones who help you follow your dreams. The ones who help you stand up for the things that are right.  But it doesn’t always work that way.

I finally stood up for what was right and they instead stood up for the one who was wrong.  The one who cross the line. And then to top it off. They made sure that everyone knew it.  That instead of being a family who supports each other in making a positive change we are now a family that will hide the dirty laundry and ensure that we just pick up the ones who fall.  Over and over again. We’ll pick them up and still pretend that nothing is wrong. But I couldn’t do it anymore.

I finally stood up for what was right, but I didn’t get the support from my family to prove it.

And now. The best part is the stories that come after it.  The way they are twisted and pointed at me doing the wrong. And for them. They are picking up the one who continues to fall.  So now, the choices are to ignore it and pretend I was wrong. Or. Continue to stand up for what’s right.  And possibly lose my family.  The decision now is much more then it ever was before.

I finally stood up for what was right and now I might lose my family because of it. 

The Dark Corners of the World 

It’s been too long. There is so much I want to say that I don’t even know where to begin. The emotions this week were overwhelming and it was almost too much. The weight of it all almost won and pulled me down.  But I think the part that still gets to me… is how unfair the world is.

When you grow up your taught to share. To be nice to others. To treat others how you would want to be treated.  That when you see someone going through a tough time you should ask if their ok. Or if they need anything. Or if there is something you can do to support them. Your taught to lend a helping hand and be kind to all. But when you grow up… you realize this isn’t how the world works. 

The world is full of people who are truly just there for themselves. They watch out for nobody. They don’t take time out of their day to check in on the ones who dealt with the ugly side of the situation.  They don’t offer to help. Instead they look out for themselves, and show no compassion for you. Doesn’t that just make the world ugly?  Doesn’t it make you angry that someone can be so selfish? Doesn’t it make you want to yell and scream at them to tell them to look at those that are affected around them?  Because I sure do…

Thankfully, the world is some what better because there are people who care. They are the ones who put their heart and soul on the line every single day.  And not for themselves. But for others. They put themselves last. They allow every other person to come before them. They make sacrifices for everyone else except for themselves. They are truly self-less.  Personal self care doesn’t exist for them on a regular bases.. because they are too busy trying to help everyone else.

Every single day I’m thankful for these people. Because without them could you imagine what this world would look like?  Without them there would be NO Compassion. NO Empathy. NO Healing. And everyone who was affected by the selfish people wouldn’t have a place to turn to. They wouldn’t have a person to help them get to the brighter times. They would be alone in the dark.

Now, my only hope is that those who are self-less can stand up to those who are selfish. To stand up and speak for those who can’t. And to help create a beautiful world again. 

Slam Open the Door

It’s funny how sometimes there is one person in the group who nobody really will be honest about when it comes down to it. The truth will come out eventually, just to those who are feeling the same way. Or the truth comes out when it’s too late.

The high and mighty hold power so it all make sense. They are the person everyone is afraid of. They ones who you can’t approach. The one who is up there and won’t ever come down. And why should they? After all nobody will challenge them….

But here I go. Putting my foot in my mouth again. Slam open the front door. And watch as the shock look appears on their faces are you say it out loud. The truth comes out.  I said it and there was no more holding back, because it was too late. It was out there. 

Looking back on it. The most shocking part of it all was the reply. It was the fact that I realized it had never been said before. The reply showed it all. I realized that we had all been whispering behind a closed door. That nobody wanted to open it and stand up for ourselves. I wondered if what I did was wrong. Did I need to go tell them to forget it and not to worry about it. That I would just deal with it and get through it all. Because I know I can. But at the same time. Is that what is right? Do I just deal and forget about it? Push through all the crap? Or do I keep standing my ground? Keep being honest and letting it out? Let myself be the one who slams open the door? Let the whispers stop and stand up?  Only time will tell, well that and my confidence in being able to stand up..

A Terror of Snails

This past week was full of putting patients to the test as I dealt with a topic that affects all of us. It’s an easy topic to say. But to explain it could take forever and yet it affects each and everyone of us.  This is something that we all face but yet ignore until we can join in on what the bigger population has to say about it. Then we can become a part of the majority.  But until then we stay quiet and alone with our opinion and slowly make our way though…. just like a small little snail on the bottom of the big  ocean. 

STIGMA. What does that mean to you? Does it affect what you say? Does it affect what you do?  Does it affect how you form your opinion? Does it affect how you share you opinion?  And the most important question… Are you ready to be a person in society to fight against the rest and stand up against the stigma? 

Society needs one strong person to stand up and say what is wrong with the world and why.  This person generally stands up alone for the first time and then eventually others gravitate towards them.  The snail is no long alone. They become a terror of snails. They slowly move towards the change they want to see. They fight the stigma. They don’t let society and their views affect that they believe is right. They bring terror to the stigma and slowly bring it to silence. They are no long scared. They are the person for who they are. They stand up for what they believe in. They do not let their opinion become altered. They come out. They come out mad. They come out proud.

The Calm before the Storm

Every great storm has its own path in which it will create or destroy. With every storm we have to decide what we are going to look at what is coming. Creation or Destruction. Rainbows or Tear Drops.   Fresh new beginnings or an ending.  Every storm has a process. There is a still calm before the storm hits. This evening when I walked out of the office for the evening I felt it.  The calm. 

Tomorrow will be a day when the storm officially hits and together as a team we will be deciding what will come next. We will be watching the storm unfold and weathering through to help determine what will come next. But for me. I will be trying to watch. Avoiding the storm all together and watching, waiting to be called on.

Waiting to come in and support to make it through the storm. Waiting to work on helping with the fresh new beginning that is coming.  Waiting to prove that I am capable of being a strong support through the storm. Waiting to show that I am and can be an asset through this storm and the rest to come. Waiting to show that I can stand tall and with stand what is coming. Waiting to show that I can encourage new beginnings and help embrace a beautiful creation after the storm.

Hopefully this will be my storm. My storm to prove I can weather through the storm. 

The Invisible Opinion 

Yesterday was a learning slide, there was general curve for this one. It was more of a moment of “oh shit” and there is no turning back kind of things. So I fell head first and just kept swimming. 

I sat and listened. I observed. I assessed. I made the evaluation. Then after it all I followed the process. Step by step.  I went to the right people and ensured to check each box along the way. I consulted with the one person who needed it and that was the moment I watched myself become a tiny person. The moment I started to shutter and shake. The moment I watched my evaluation become invisible.  It was no longer heard. It no longer was valid because I wasn’t the one they wanted to hear it from.

I now need to pick myself up and try to grow again.  Try to prove that I’m worth the time of one person. Show that I’m not an invisible opinion. 

Admitting Defeat

In every war there is a solider who gets lost. One who gets separated from his group. Have you ever wondered what they do when they realize they are alone?  That they are fighting a battle alone?  What goes through their head the moment they are walking up to an enemy’s group?  Do they try and change and adapt to what they were suppose to fighting against?  Or. Do they try and continue with their fight and stand for what they believe in?  Admit Defeat or Stand for the Change?

This week I have felt like the lost solider. The one who has to make the choice between admitting defeat or standing beside what I believe in.  Some people say it’s like being between a rock and a hard place. But I’m feeling like I’m stuck between two mountains and the climb is steep with way. And with this decisions I have people on both sides.  And I don’t feel like they are cheering. I feel like they are waiting for me to slip or fall. To make sure they watch the struggle I’m in for this decision. Initially, they looked like support. Like they would throw down supports and a helping hand. And don’t get me wrong. Some are. But they, unfortantely have to stand at the back. They have to ask those in front if they can support.  And why would they?  Support would be giving help and make the decisions less. And isn’t the point of the show suppose to be the thrill and excitement?  To wait and see what the person decides?

Same with the solider. The solider has to decide when he spots the group.  Is it worth the fight? The fight that could kill him but show that he stood for what he believed in.  Or Admitting Defeat that showed they have broke his will to stand for what he feels is right. 

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