A Flith of Octupuses

Where’s the Stop Button?

Every piece of equipment has a magical button that turns off the whole thing.  For safety is what they say.  But the one piece of equipment that doesn’t that I’m sure everyone would want it for. The Brain.  

Some days wouldn’t it be wonderful to just click a button and have your thoughts stop. Today I have told myself over and over. Don’t think that. Don’t go down that path. Don’t overthink it. Don’t let your brain be some negative. Don’t let yourself believe what you just made up.

But how can you not? It takes so much to try and stop your thoughts.  And then it takes so much more to not believe. Then by the end it’s hard to know what is the truth and what wasn’t. And then you have to go sort through it all. 

Isn’t it crazy? How much comes from not stopping. Why do we do it? How come we can’t stop? Can we? Do we have to always let it take over? Do we always have to be negative? Why can’t we overthink in a positive way?  Why can’t we just turn it off?

Step Back

Everyone always says you need to look at the bigger picture. Take a step back. Review the whole thing. Take it all in.

And at the time. It truly doesn’t seem like it will help at all. When your in it all you just can’t think about it. How could taking a step back allow you to fix the problem or address the concerns you see?

But when the table turns and you trust yourself to take a step back. Crazy things happen.  Things turn. And the bigger picture starts to change.  And it’s something you need to remember for next time.

Because taking a step back is possibly the best thing you could do.

Deep Breaths

Before I get into it. I should first apologize. I fell off the map. How unfair. How rude. How could I?  Well. I did what happens to all of us. I fell apart. 

And now for the “Oh no! What happened.”  First let’s be clear. I’m fine. Everyone is when they come out the other side. But in the middle I felt like everything around me crumbled and it was starting to look easier to crumble with it.

Everything felt like everything was going. My job. My passions. My hobbies. My family. My friends. My coping strategies. Literally everything I turned to that held me up was crumbling. So what changed?

Nothing.  Everything is still crumbling. But instead of going with it. I’ve decided to wait, stand tall and  wait to see what the new buildings will be.

What comes next?  Isn’t that a beautiful thing?  Right now. Life is falling apart and there are unanswered questions and broken promises. And it looks like a big dark hole. But there is a light at the end. Slowly answers are coming for the questions I’ve been asking. Eventually there will be promises with a true end. And the outlook will be bright and standing tall. Ready for me to take it on.

Say It Outloud 

Communication is the single most important thing in any relationship. Doesn’t even matter the type of relationship.  Work. Friends. Family. Communicate. 

Everyone figures it would be easy. Honestly how could it not be. We have so many things to communicate on and in so many different ways. Figured by now we would all just have things figured out.  Yet every single day we still run into problems because of communication, and generally the lack of.

Are we allowed to be upset? When people just spring things on us? Like there has always been plenty of opportunity to communicate properly.  To give the information that is needed. And yet. We don’t. But why?  Is it because we are scared? We don’t want to disappoint? Why? 

Wouldn’t it be easier to just say it?

Waving White Flags

Well yesterday has come and gone and now it is time to make the pros and cons list and make a decision.  It doesn’t seem to be hard. I took some time no looked at everything. Followed the main rules and stepped back and looked at the bigger picture. And it still doesn’t seem to change the outcome.

The battle will eventually end. But the outcome will rather be because one of us give up or because someone dies.  From the end though it will always be held above your head and never forgotten.  And you know this will always be something lingering there.

So now to decide what the next move is.  Do I wave the white flag?  Or do I go back until someone dies?

The Blank Page

Well the truth to the matter is that lately things got so overwhelming I didn’t know where to start. I have no idea what to say or how to say it. I literally would open a blank post and just stare at it. Then close it because it got to be too much and I was already overwhelmed.  

But now. I have a plan. I was pushed over the edge and astounded by how others treated me and the disrespect was surreal. It came to the point where I literally looked around and all I could say was “What The Fuck”.

So now it’s time to sort through this and determine what the next steps will be.  This will be happening in approximately 4 hours.  And the best part is that I get to walk in a play stupid but I’m so prepared nobody will know what just happened.

You are probably wondering how I can play the game this way, and well it’s simple really. This specific situation has to do with my project. It is something that specifically falls under my scope of practice and was given to me.  I have worked along side those in power and learned how to navigate the red tape process. With this I learned exactly what is needed at which step and who is involved and kept notes on what is happening.

But not everyone has been respectful of this. They have in fact went and discussed this project with others and made decisions that were not theirs to make. And still nobody had told me about the decisions being made for my project. Pretty sad how disrespected I feel. I was open and available to talk about this project and have taken time to consult with those who want to express an opinion. I took time to listen. I allowed for myself to educate those who did not understand.

Lucky for me, I have followed the red tape on this project so well that those involved kept me informed of what was happening behind my back. So now I know everything but yet know nothing because still nobody who made the decisions came to me. So today I will walk into a meeting blindsided by people who are suppose to support me. And unfortunately for them I will be shining the light right back on them.

Picking up the Pieces

This is the common story. Everyone has one. It’s the story of a broken heart.  This one isn’t the worst of them all. It’s just the beginning.  It’s the start of it. When you can start to feel the pieces crack. And if your not careful now the crack will keep going. And soon you will be picking up the pieces.

This is the worst time. Because half of you knows that it’s not ok. That it’s not ok to keep engaging.  The times you can feel your heart breaking. And it hurts in a way you can’t explain.  Everyone is telling you stop.  To protect your heart and yourself.

But you can’t. Every time you give in. You keep going and trying. Because all you want is to feel wanted and desired by the one person you want.

And in the end, you just continue to let the cracks build in your heart. Until eventually all the pieces fall.

Tape over my Mouth

The best Mondays are the ones where you get to walk into a meeting first time. You know those meetings that are a time to sit down and say the things that need to be said. The meeting where you get to stand up for the things that are right. Where you can lay it all out on the table. Like how could you not want to start your week like that?  

It’s a chance for change. A new turning point. A place of growth. A beginning for saying what’s right.  It’s a great way to start on a Monday.   But why don’t I feel like that?

Because this is going to be the hardest meeting ever.  It’s going to be the first of many to initiate the change. The first of the process to start the change. And the road to change, well it’s going to be a long, slow and bumpy ride. I can feel my stomach already moving all over.

And why will it be so difficult?  Well it will be the first time ever that I won’t have to stomach what I have to say.  This will be the beginning of being honest and telling it how it is.  And with that. I have to hope for the best and that this change will be positive. 

Tomorrow is the day to rip off the tape.

Competing within a Team

Teams are the best was to work, in every way and at everything.  Being able to build each other up and support and lean on each other is the greatest feeling ever.

When it’s not good, is when people on the team don’t communicate and they start to compete with you. Competing on a team doesn’t help anyone. It results in everyone losing.    

Teams do not always start together, sometimes we have to join later on. And maybe that is the downfall, is that some people have a difficult time adjusting to the new skills that have been added to the team. Or maybe it’s that they don’t understand.  It’s truly a grey area, that makes it difficult for all.

The most frustrating part is trying to figure out how to fix the completion. Because in the end, we all have the same goal and we need to move towards that.

But how?  Because competing to prove skill is not going to help.   But going above can be demeaning.  And nobody wants to show they are above someone else or has more power.  We truly want to come together. But how?

Blog at

Up ↑