A Flith of Octupuses

The End of the Rope

Everything has an end. It has too. Otherwise people would never change. There would be no movement. There would be no growth. There would be nothing new. 

Today. I learned what it’s like to be at the end of my rope.  I thought I had hit rock bottom before this. But I hadn’t. Not until today. Not until everything came out. Not until I finally looked down. And realized that there was no more.  That there was nothing more to stand up for. That there was nothing more to keep going.

That everything I had done was coming to an end. That everything I was promised was no where to be found.  That everything was coming to an end. 

It isn’t a fun realization. To realize that you have nothing left to give. Watching everything you worked so hard for look like it’s meant nothing. Feeling like what you do isn’t important. To feel that if you faded away nobody would notice.  It be at the end of your rope.  It’s scary.


Wrap Around 

When you work in a field that cares for people you learn that the best care is wrap around care for someone.  Services literally surround the person and help to provide everything and anything that is needed. It truly is a beautiful thing when it all falls into place.

The worst is when you see someone so broken that they do not know where to even start. They have the weight of the world on their shoulders and they have carried it for so long.  They can’t afford to put it down. Because if they did. Everything would come out. And they wouldn’t be able to pick it back up. They wouldn’t know where to start.

Once they finally start. This is where the beauty of wrap around care comes in. They can all come together and help pick up the pieces.

Today I watch as the services wrapped around and everything started to come together. And the best part.  Was to know that she saw it too. She could see everything was coming together. She no longer had to take on the world alone. She no longer had to hold it all together. She no longer had to do it all. She could finally let go. And to finally see that. Was the most beautiful thing ever.

Finally there was some give.

Finally there was support. 

Finally her cry for help was answered.

Opening the Flood Gates 

It’s the thing we all expect in life but yet it’s the hardest to do. But why. Why can’t we just tell the truth? Why can’t we just tell how we feel? Why can’t we just be open to what’s there?

Your not alone. I’m there too. And I’m just as unsure as you. But yet neither of us will say anything. And I don’t know if that’s worse. The silence of the unknown. Or the lie. Sometimes I feel like it’s both. Or when the two come together. It overwhelmes me. It takes over my whole mind and body. The stress comes and takes over. The anxiety leaves my body as I overthink things again. And again. And again.

Then the courage finally builds up enough and you spill it all out. Your open. Your vulnerable. Your feelings and emotions are out. And there is nothing you can do to get them back. You opened the door. Or more less the flood gates. And there is no way to turn back now.  You were honest. You told them everything. You let it all out.

But why doesn’t it feel good?  Why didn’t it feel ok to be open? Why didn’t it feel right to be honest?  Why does it hurt to open the door?  Why did the anxiety hit harder?  Shouldn’t I feel better?

I feel lost.  Like the gates opened and I was swept away in the water. Trying to get it back and put it where it was. Back on the safe side. Where the gates were closed. But I can’t. I’m lost. Scared. Vulnerable.  All because I opened the gates. And was honest. Something people expect.  Something I don’t do.  And I suddenly remember why as I watch the water rush out. 

Where’s the Stop Button?

Every piece of equipment has a magical button that turns off the whole thing.  For safety is what they say.  But the one piece of equipment that doesn’t that I’m sure everyone would want it for. The Brain.  

Some days wouldn’t it be wonderful to just click a button and have your thoughts stop. Today I have told myself over and over. Don’t think that. Don’t go down that path. Don’t overthink it. Don’t let your brain be some negative. Don’t let yourself believe what you just made up.

But how can you not? It takes so much to try and stop your thoughts.  And then it takes so much more to not believe. Then by the end it’s hard to know what is the truth and what wasn’t. And then you have to go sort through it all. 

Isn’t it crazy? How much comes from not stopping. Why do we do it? How come we can’t stop? Can we? Do we have to always let it take over? Do we always have to be negative? Why can’t we overthink in a positive way?  Why can’t we just turn it off?

Step Back

Everyone always says you need to look at the bigger picture. Take a step back. Review the whole thing. Take it all in.

And at the time. It truly doesn’t seem like it will help at all. When your in it all you just can’t think about it. How could taking a step back allow you to fix the problem or address the concerns you see?

But when the table turns and you trust yourself to take a step back. Crazy things happen.  Things turn. And the bigger picture starts to change.  And it’s something you need to remember for next time.

Because taking a step back is possibly the best thing you could do.

Deep Breaths

Before I get into it. I should first apologize. I fell off the map. How unfair. How rude. How could I?  Well. I did what happens to all of us. I fell apart. 

And now for the “Oh no! What happened.”  First let’s be clear. I’m fine. Everyone is when they come out the other side. But in the middle I felt like everything around me crumbled and it was starting to look easier to crumble with it.

Everything felt like everything was going. My job. My passions. My hobbies. My family. My friends. My coping strategies. Literally everything I turned to that held me up was crumbling. So what changed?

Nothing.  Everything is still crumbling. But instead of going with it. I’ve decided to wait, stand tall and  wait to see what the new buildings will be.

What comes next?  Isn’t that a beautiful thing?  Right now. Life is falling apart and there are unanswered questions and broken promises. And it looks like a big dark hole. But there is a light at the end. Slowly answers are coming for the questions I’ve been asking. Eventually there will be promises with a true end. And the outlook will be bright and standing tall. Ready for me to take it on.

Say It Outloud 

Communication is the single most important thing in any relationship. Doesn’t even matter the type of relationship.  Work. Friends. Family. Communicate. 

Everyone figures it would be easy. Honestly how could it not be. We have so many things to communicate on and in so many different ways. Figured by now we would all just have things figured out.  Yet every single day we still run into problems because of communication, and generally the lack of.

Are we allowed to be upset? When people just spring things on us? Like there has always been plenty of opportunity to communicate properly.  To give the information that is needed. And yet. We don’t. But why?  Is it because we are scared? We don’t want to disappoint? Why? 

Wouldn’t it be easier to just say it?

Waving White Flags

Well yesterday has come and gone and now it is time to make the pros and cons list and make a decision.  It doesn’t seem to be hard. I took some time no looked at everything. Followed the main rules and stepped back and looked at the bigger picture. And it still doesn’t seem to change the outcome.

The battle will eventually end. But the outcome will rather be because one of us give up or because someone dies.  From the end though it will always be held above your head and never forgotten.  And you know this will always be something lingering there.

So now to decide what the next move is.  Do I wave the white flag?  Or do I go back until someone dies?

The Blank Page

Well the truth to the matter is that lately things got so overwhelming I didn’t know where to start. I have no idea what to say or how to say it. I literally would open a blank post and just stare at it. Then close it because it got to be too much and I was already overwhelmed.  

But now. I have a plan. I was pushed over the edge and astounded by how others treated me and the disrespect was surreal. It came to the point where I literally looked around and all I could say was “What The Fuck”.

So now it’s time to sort through this and determine what the next steps will be.  This will be happening in approximately 4 hours.  And the best part is that I get to walk in a play stupid but I’m so prepared nobody will know what just happened.

You are probably wondering how I can play the game this way, and well it’s simple really. This specific situation has to do with my project. It is something that specifically falls under my scope of practice and was given to me.  I have worked along side those in power and learned how to navigate the red tape process. With this I learned exactly what is needed at which step and who is involved and kept notes on what is happening.

But not everyone has been respectful of this. They have in fact went and discussed this project with others and made decisions that were not theirs to make. And still nobody had told me about the decisions being made for my project. Pretty sad how disrespected I feel. I was open and available to talk about this project and have taken time to consult with those who want to express an opinion. I took time to listen. I allowed for myself to educate those who did not understand.

Lucky for me, I have followed the red tape on this project so well that those involved kept me informed of what was happening behind my back. So now I know everything but yet know nothing because still nobody who made the decisions came to me. So today I will walk into a meeting blindsided by people who are suppose to support me. And unfortunately for them I will be shining the light right back on them.

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